2 weeks ago I had an argument with the Mrs. Not even an argument, a heated discussion in my office, probably about money (I’m a Jew, I mostly talk / think / argue about money). Anyway, 20 minutes later, I tried calling the Mrs. To say the final word in every argument (“I’m sorry babe, you were right”) when my cell phone gave me a very interesting message:
“Your phone line has been blocked due to irregularities concerning Decreto Supremo something-or-other” to which I replied (to a recorded message) “what the fuck?!?!?”
*** Decreto Supremo or Supreme Decree isn´t a chicken Burrito like it sounds but a type of Governmental law decreed by the president himself (the difference being, a Law requires the approval of the Senate, while a decree doesn’t)***
Back to the story, so after cursing at the recorded message, the phone, the phone company, the room, the town, this country, this continent, the world… I smoked a cigarette or twenty and called the ENTEL (my cellphone service provider) costumer service:
After 5 minutes of waiting and listening to bad jingles (why is there never any good music while you´re on hold) I finally get a human response:
Entel -“Entel Costumer Service, Good Afternoon, this is Dumbfuck, how can I help you?”
Me - “hi, it seems my phone line´s been blocked?”
DF (his name was probably Juan or Carlos, but for obvious resaons he shall be known as Dumbfuck for the rest of this text) – “there must be some kind of error in your registered details sir, let me verify them.” He then asked me for my full name / address / Phone number / ID Number / lucky number / EMI Number (serial code for your phone) / my Birth date / my pet´s name and a bunch of other silly questions and found no irregularities in my registration. “i´m sorry sir, I don´t see any problems with your registration in our computer, must be a mistake on our part, tell you what, in exactly an hour, turn your phone off for 3 minutes, then turn it back on and it shall work just fine” the reason he said “exactly one hour” wasn´t some sophisticated science, it was just the sad fact that the Technicians all left for lunch 20 seconds before.
Me – “Thank you very much” (just because he´s a dumbfuck working for dumber fucks doesn´t mean I shouldn´t be polite)
An hour and 3 minutes later I turn my phone on, try call the Mrs. and get the same message:
“Your phone line has been blocked due to irregularities concerning Decreto Supremo something-or-other” to which I replied again “what the fuckin fuck fuckers?!?!?”
Once again, I call the costumer service:
Entel -“Entel Costumer Service, Good Afternoon, this is StupidBitch, how can I help you?” (I guess DumbFuck went out for lunch)
Me - “hi, I spoke to DumbFuck an hour Ago, there seems to be a problem with my line, I´m getting a message about some decreto ?!?”
StupidBitch – “Sir, did you vote in the last Elections?”
Me – “No, if you look at my registered details, you´ll notice I’m a foreign resident in Bolivia, which I means I don´t have the right to vote in the presidential elections, and I was out of the country during the last municipal elections”
SB – “in that case there must be a problem with your registered data on our computer”
Me- “as I´ve already told you, and Dumbfuck an hour ago, my data all coincides with data on your computer”
SB – “Let me ask you a few questions” once again we go through all the details DumbFuck asked me an hour ago, which surprise surprise, all match the data on their computer. “Sir, I am gonna to have to ask you to pass by our Multicenter to verify this personally, since your problem can´t be solved over the phone”
Me – “there´s only one problem, I live in Rurrenabaque, your center is in La Paz, that´s 410 Km away, it takes my 18 hours on a bus to get there or 1000 pesos for a flight, plus losing at least 3 days of work, I work 2 jobs so I can´t really miss all that just to come and tell you personally my fuckin phone doesn´t work cos you cut my line off for no apparent reason”
SB – “I understand, let me see what I can do” (5 more minutes of annoying music) “Good news sir, we have another multicenter near your town, it´s in Trinidad, the capital of your Region”
Me – “Yes, while Trinidad is the Capital of the Beni department of which I am a proud resident, it´s 355 kms away, but since it´s mostly swamp land it takes 26 hours to travel by bus or 1200 pesos to fly, so you can see how that´s not REALLY helpful…”
SB – “oh, I understand, let me see what I can do” (5 more minutes of what I can only assume was annoying music because I was busy banging the phone and my head on my desk) “Ok, how about this, we have another multicenter in the Beni, it´s in Riberalta, please present yourself there in the next 72 hours so we don´t have to disconnect your phone premanently”
Me – “listen dear, i´ll talk slowly so your Oxygen-deprived brain in La Paz can understand me, Riberalta is 490 kms away from Rurre-Fuckin–nabaque, it takes 36 hours on a bus, and once again, I already gave you all my details and you and Dumbfuck an hour ago both said they´re correct, now is there anyone in the building with a 2 digit IQ that can explain why the fuck you´ve decided to cut off my phone line on a random Friday afternoon?!?!?”
SB passes me to her supervisor who shall be referred to as SETREAHIR (Smart Enough To
Realize Everybody Around Her Is Retarded) – “Good afternoon, Mr. Agmon, how can I help you?” (Rule no. 1 while dealing with annoyed costumers or armed kidnappers, repeat their name as often as you can, it calms them down)
Me - “you´ll have to excuse me, but there´s nothing good about my afternoon anymore, i´ve spent the last 2 hours trying to figure out why you guys blocked my phone line”
SETREAHIR – “I´m sorry for the hassle, Mr. Agmon,, the thing is we can´t help you, your phone has been blocked by the ATT because you didn´t register for the last election.” ***Quick explanation, ATT (Autoridad de Fiscalización y Control de Social de Telecomunicaciones y Transportes) is a government entity controlling Transport and Telecomunications, mostly by blocking your phone if you didn´t register as a voter. There are other government entities in charge of blocking your bank account / electricity / or leaving the country if you haven´t voted***
Me- “but I don´t have the right to vote!!, i´m a foreign resident,?!?!”
SETREAHIR – “Yes, Mr. Agmon, I understand, trust me, during the last few weeks we´ve had dozens of callers with the same problem” (rule No. 2 while dealing with annoyed costumers or people standing on the roof of a building threatening to jump, make them feel they´re not alone)
Me - “And? The fact there´s dozens of people with blocked phone lines because they didn´t vote for an election they don’t have the right to vote in in the first place should probably teach you guys that it´s pointless to block their phone.”
SETREAHIR – “I´m truly sorry, Mr. Agmon, the president issued the Decreto Supremo something-or-other, giving the ATT control over cellphone providers, and the law says if you do not register as a voter you can lose your phoneline. Furthermore, you can´t buy a new phone or change Cellphone provider either.
Me – “ So what you´re basically saying is, the fuckin President HIMSELF, told the ATT who then told you to block my phone cos i´m a fuckin Gringo and don´t have the right to vote???”
SETREAHIR – “while, I can´t publicly agree with a few of the words you used to describe the state president, but, yes, you could say that. But if you just come by our Multicenter in the next 72 hours we´ll be able to fix your registry once you show a written letter explaining why you didn´t use your right to vote” (all these calls are recorded so she has to say that) unfortunately for her it didn´t save her from another round of proud Agmonian shouting and cursing and hanging up on her.
But at least know I have managed to find the culprit for the reason I still haven´t called the Mrs. To apologize for our silly fight in the morning.
Luckily, Bolivian bureaucracy (check the other blog entries) is niftily divided by 50% Stupid and 50% percent corrupt, so after paying the salesman at the cellphone shop down the street from my office 40 pesos he called his friend at the ATT the fixed my registry in 20 minutes.
Unfortunately, that´s still a short term solution since this country has more elections than showers every year. For example, this October, the people will be voting for their Judicial Authorities (Supreme Court Judges and such), which means once again my phone can be blocked or even worse, they can stop me from leaving the country in December when I go diving in Honduras.
So, with that in mind, I went yesterday to register myself in the new Bolivian Biometric Voters Registry.
After a very long half an hour of a Lazy Fat Fuck Government Oficial (LFFGO) trying to work a Laptop computer and a camera at the same time, he managed to get press the ON button, and we moved on to dealing with:
LFFGO – “How come you only have one name?”
Me – “For fuck sake, not again, just read http://gili-agmon.blogspot.com/2010/09/dumbass-penis-bastard.html”
LFFGO – “your ID looks fake, why is the plastic cut like that?”
Me – “I didn´t plastify my ID, Immigration did. Why the fuck would I falsify a Bolivian Foreign Resident ID??, If anything, I´d fake a proper Citizen ID and that way I can vote in the elections so your dumbass cunt of a president won´t win again and block my phone for not voting for him in the 1st place”
LFFGO – “Fair enough, sounds reasonable. OK, I need the following details: Level of education?”
ME – (I really wanted to say PHD) “High School Graduate” it´s ok, in this country 12 years of school basically makes you a Professor.
LFFGO – “Occupation?”
Me – (wanting to say Military, Ret.) “Employed” (lovely thing here, employed means any work that doesn´t involve a university title like Dr. or Enginner, basically anything from garbage picker to the current president).
And, half an hour / 10 fingerprints / 7 signatures later, I have it, i´m registered in the Biometric Voters Registry, too bad I can´t vote, but I have this little piece of paper I have to carry with me every time I go to the bank or pay my bills or get my phone blocked…
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