Dumbass Penis Bastard

***YOU SHOULD READ "The Bald Red Headed Eagle" FIRST ***

May 2005

So, I’ve decided to stay in Bolivia and work, and i need a working visa to stay in the country for more than 90 days.

I’ve got all the certificates, already bribed 3 cops, a lawyer and a doctor (gotta love 3^rd world countries), and now only have 1 more thing to do, deal with Immigrations in La Paz.

Immigrations is like going to the dentist, nothing good ever comes from it... you need it, they might help, but it ain’t fun...

Beaurocracy is Satan’s middle name. It’s the 5^th rider of the Apocalypse. It’s Lucy Liu with Vagina Dentata (my worst nightmare), or Angelina Jolie with Komodo-Dragon Saliva (it´s melts the meat it touches)...

But, being a brave warrior, I challenged Beaurocracy to a duel...

First, I had to fill some papers... usually an easy enough task (god bless the Israeli school system for teaching me you get points for writing your name on top of the page...it’s the only thing they taught...)

Usually there’d be a short line, e.g. _________________ _________________

                                                                          (NAME)                    (LAST NAME)

But in Bolivia, things are a bit more complicated.

You see, the average Bolivian has at least 5 names, (First – middle – paternal last name – maternal last name – grandmother’s last name (seriously)),

For example, Juan Carlos Rascaculo Comemierda Suarez.

So, when you get to fill in official looking papers it looks more or less like this:

_______________________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________  

And with my 8 letter name made it look like this:

Gil Agmon ______________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________  

Now, people always say beaurocrats have no sense of humour, but all you have to do to make a bunch of them laugh their asses off is write my name,

Unfortunately, “Gil” means "Dumbass” in Spanish, great way to start the day...

*** people always talk about how cruel kids can be, making fun of each other and their names... it’s not the kids that are cruel, it’s the parents, If you give your kid some silly new-age name like “Rainbow”, “sunshine” or “Gaia”, or even worse, one of those “I read the bible so much instead of a fuckin dictionary” names like “Caleb”, “Jezebel” or “Nebuchadnezzar” you should either home-school them Or just send them to school with a baseball bat to even their odds...                          back to the story ***

This was obviously a problem, first because beaurocrats don’t like funny things, and second, having an 8 letter name is a big No-No around here.

So here starts one the best conversations I’ve had in my life...

(Dumbass Bolivian Immigrations Officer) – You have to fill in your full name

(Me) – That is my full name

(DBIO) – Where’s your middle name?

(Me) – I don’t have a middle name, that’s a Christian thing...

(DBIO) – Okay, at least write your maternal last name

(Me) – Officer, I don’t have a maternal last name

(DBIO) puts on a very sympathetic face – I’m sorry for you

(Me) What the fuck are you sorry for?

(DBIO) for you not having a mother, you obviously don’t know her, otherwise you’d have her last name, and since you don’t, must mean you’re a bastard...

(Me) what do you mean I don’t have a mother, everybody has a mother, I was born, wasn’t I? And who you calling a bastard, fool? Of course I know my mom, I´ve known both my parents my whole life.

Ever heard of Jewish mothers, you could be 13,000 km away from home, but you’ll still feel guilty on the phone every week for not being there for family dinner...

(DBIO) so, why don’t you put your mom’s last name on your papers?!?!

(Me)  listen, in my country, we don’t have maternal last names, when a couple gets married, the wife assumes the husband’s last name, so both my parents are called Agmon.

(DBIO) so your parents are brothers?

(Me)  No, they’re not brother and sister, they’re husband and wife. Back where I come from you CAN’T marry your sister or your cousin, not that I’m criticizing your life, officer...

(DBIO) well, you still need more names on your application.

**** Now, some of you might ask, why didn’t you just write Gil Beelzebub Agmon Lindenboim Alkalai and got it over with? But my passport only says Gil Agmon, and they have to match... ****

(Me) well, would this do?

Gil Mumu Agmon_________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________   _______________________________    __________________________________  

And that was it, my name on my official papers in immigration is:

Gil Mumu Agmon

Or as they call it here

Dumbass Penis Poor-Bastard-With-No-Mom-Or-Whose-Parents-Are-Brothers

Kinda catchy, isn’t it?